The English Maximalista

*WARNING TO ARACHNOPHOBES*

YOU PROBABLY WON’T WANT TO READ THIS BLOG

News Bulletin: It is with sadness that I am announcing our resident hairy arachnid, Tiny the Tarantula, passed away a few days ago.

Cause of death: Natural.

Epitaph: Tiny the Tarantula, our drainpipe will never be the same without you.

Grief / greef / n. 1 deep or intense sorrow or mourning. 2 the cause of this. [Source: OED.]

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In the middle of August 2025, I was playing outside in my garden, clearing weeds and generally mucking about, when I inadvertently came eyeball-to-eyeball with a TARANTULA. 

After my brief alarm [AKA leaping 3 feet backwards in a very undignified manner] and gasping in surprise [AKA high-pitched squeal of terror], I recovered my composure enough to investigate more closely. Then I popped indoors for a quick change of undergarments, and on my way back outdoors, excitedly brought Mr Maximalista with me, so he could meet our newfound tenant. 

Since that initial inauspicious meeting, Mr M and I checked on the tarantula — whom we dubbed Tiny — several times a day, whenever we were in the vicinity. We never saw him away from his perch behind the drainpipe. Mr Maximalista was concerned about this lack of activity, but some online research informed us that this was normal behaviour for tarantulas.

I often saw Tiny’s cute, chubby legs slowly moving. It was like he was testing the wind the way that golfers do. Albeit probably for very different reasons.

Since Mr M and I are not complete idiots when it comes to wildlife, we kept ourselves at a respectful distance from Tiny… although my proximity to him grew with confidence after learning that tarantulas are not jumpers or chasers.

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Did you know that tarantulas are venomous but not poisonous?

Don’t feel bad if you weren’t aware of that little factoid: I don’t mind admitting that I was today years old when I learned that this means there is venom when they bite, but that the spider itself is not poisonous, meaning it is safe to eat. 

Dokay, then. 

According to the interwebs (pun intended — sorry), venom of Aphonopelma is “mild”, similar to that of a bee sting. Which to my recollection is not a pleasant experience, so I am opting to not conduct any deliberate compare-and-contrast experiments. 

As well as inflicting this “mild” venom, tarantulas are capable of flicking urticating hairs from their abdomen. These cause irritation or itching which can last up to six weeks (!!!). I am not particularly a fan of barbed objects puncturing my skin, so again, won’t be conducting experiments on THAT, either.

Before any of you Internet Trolls out there decide to start commenting on how non-PC it was of me to attribute male gender pronouns to Tiny, this is because I read that my local female tarantulas rarely leave their burrows. Hence my assumption that Tiny was a male. Also, naming him Tiny was my attempt at humour. No offense intended. So pipe down, over there.

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Where I live in central Colorado, male tarantulas leave their own burrows to go on mate-gration in September to October. Some male brown tarantulas can travel over 20 miles, looking for a mate. This so-called Tarantula Trek is quite famous in this region. You can read more about this fascinating journey HERE.

The males become sexually active at around the age of 8, and can live for 10-15 years. They don’t generally live much longer than that, mainly because of the dangers encountered during the Tarantula Trek… not to mention the cannibalistic post-coital tendencies of female tarantulas.

Females live much longer — due to the safety of underground obscurity — and can live for over 30 years.

Tarantulas create dense webs in their burrows. These webs, along with their hairs, function as sensors to detect movement and sounds. This is helpful in establishing when predators are prowling around, as well as identifying prey, or potential mates.

I hope Tiny had a good little life. I try to not reflect on how many hirsute girlfriends he impregnated, or of how many mini-Tiny-the-Tarantulas are potentially crawling around in burrows outside my house. 

Likewise, I try not to ponder too much on the snakes and scorpions I know are lurking outside, too… otherwise I would never be able to sleep at night.

Lots of love,

M xo