The English Maximalista

It’s that time of month, again. 

What I mean is, it’s the time at which I head into town to spend a King’s ransom on getting my grey hairs dyed.

Not that I mind spending money. Nor do I mind getting pampered. It might be a colossal chore for some women, but quite frankly I enjoy spending an afternoon at the salon, sitting in the naughty chair and catching up with everyone.

The highlight, though, is the hilarious asexual flirting between myself and my gay friend who works there. He keeps us all in hysterics with his crude innuendoes and humorous perspective on us breeders.

My friend — let’s call him “Roger” — is in his early 40’s, although he could easily pass for 28. Or 30, tops. Today’s conversation was about the beauty products he uses to keep his gay skin youthful. I shall not repeat to you some of the things he claimed to have rubbed on his face; instead, I shall keep things nice and PG.

He doesn’t use makeup, but did admit to wearing tinted moisturizer. Fair play to him. He also admitted to getting regular mani-pedis. After some discreet inspection, I have to report that his cuticles do indeed look much tidier than my own.

Roger wears high SPF sunscreen religiously every day, as well as vitamin E oil on his skin after showering. All good advice. So far, these are all things that I do on a daily basis as well.

Which made me wonder. Why don’t I look fifteen years younger than I actually am?! I am fifty years old. I look like I am fifty years old. And I feel like I am fifty years old. Yet my friend looks like he probably has a hideous painting of himself, locked in his attic.

Anyway, we got to chatting about the products I use (a lot) compared to him (a few), and about the so-called “Pink Tax” that women have to pay, which had been brought to my attention many years ago by Hilary Clinton. 

It’s so unfair. My husband essentially uses a knackered old cracked bar of soap to wash his entire body, as well as his hair… for all I know, he uses it to brush his teeth, as well? (I am exaggerating here, although not by much!). In comparison to Mr Maximalista, then, Roger is high maintenance, since he [Roger] uses 4 or 5 products each day.

Whereas I, dear reader, use four times that much each day. Shocking, right?

Once my hair was blown out and I headed home with my bonnet a few shades blonder than it had been this morning, I decided to have a little rummage through my bathroom cupboard. I was intent on counting exactly how many products I use on a daily basis. 

*****

Two hours later, I was shocked at what I found: oils, lotions and potions to keep my skin supple, firm, glowing, elastic, tight, exfoliated, clean, glowing… the list goes on.

Here are the products I use, day (left) and night (right). This does not include items I use less frequently, for facials, etc.

*****

Then I made the rookie mistake of counting the items in my makeup bag: there were — get this! — SEVEN items I use most days, to make my face look natural! Not including the 20 or so lipsticks I have, in various shades.

Oh, how sweet is the irony.

I’m not really sure what my point was to all of this, since I quite enjoy looking my best, and I have always loved makeup. I don’t imagine I shall ever stop wearing it. At least for the foreseeable future.

After my conversation with Roger, earlier today, I realised how much I love being a girl.

Lots of love,

M xo

PS, what are your thoughts? Let me know which products work best for you, and which you would never bother purchasing again?