The English Maximalista

‘Tis the season to have guests over at your house. Or, if you are lucky, to BE invited as a guest at someone’s home.

Over here at the love shack, we are getting our house ready to entertain guests for the holidays. Which got me to thinking about etiquette, for both the well-behaved guest and thine gracious host. 

As with any good former Brownie Guide, my general rule of thumb is to make an effort to be a considerate individual – on a daily basis, not just on social occasions. 

Graciousness is a two-way street. Here follow some of my basic guidelines.

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Offerings

Polite guests never arrive early, nor turn up empty-handed. 

Just a gesture at the very least – it does not have to be anything extravagant. For instance, if you happen to know that your English friend loves Cadbury’s Milk Chocolate, bring her a bar of that. 

(I’m just throwing that idea out there to be helpful.)

For informal events, it is polite to ask your host if they would like for you to bring a dish to pass around.

Hosts: if you happen to be a recipient of a bottle of Two Buck Chuck, or any kind of “cheap” gift from a well-meaning guest, please be gracious about it. Looks can be deceiving, and one never knows the true financial situation of people.

English Maximalista Top Tip: wine, beer, or chocolate that is not “up to snuff” can all be used later for cooking.

Snobbery

Keeping up with the Joneses is not a game I am interested in playing. If my house isn’t big enough or nice enough for you, that sounds like a YOU problem, not a ME problem.

When you have been invited into someone’s home, please be courteous. Do not insult them by sniffing at how dusty it is. Just because you might think your host’s home isn’t as clean / nice / big as yours, does not mean that you are allowed to be a disparaging boor. 

English Maximalista Top Tip: your behavior and ill manners are a poor reflection of you. Remember that.

Entertaining

Personally, I loathe paper plates and napkins, or plastic cups and cutlery. At home, I would rather eat with my fingers, drink from a hosepipe, and wipe my mouth on my sleeve than use any of those things.

As modest as my home is, I do not treat it as a frat-house. Also, I am a firm believer that life is short: use your good stuff!!

English Maximalista Top Tip: about twenty years ago, I purchased five or six boxes of Marquis by Waterford multi-purpose crystal goblets to use at the big parties I used to host. Guests are always impressed that I bust out my “good” crystal, when in fact, I bought them on clearance at TJ Maxx for $15 per box. I have never once regretted buying them.

Other people’s children are annoying

Dear Reader,

Please, please, PLEASE teach your children how to behave at other people’s homes. They don’t have to know which is the correct fork to use, but they should know how to say please and thank you. 

Also, please teach them to chew with their mouth closed, damnit. I really do not have the stomach to watch those little molars masticating whatever their tongue is pushing around.

Thank you,

Lots of love,

The English Maximalista

PS as the host, if I am expecting guests with younger children, I will remove more “precious” items from toddler height.

PPS if your tween child starts opening cupboards and drawers in my dining room, it is because they are nosy little shits, and I shall be judging YOU accordingly.

 * I am the English Maximalista, and I approve of this message. *

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Generally, though, I do admittedly go to great lengths to ensure that all of my guests have a pleasant and comfortable visit to my home, regardless of the length of their stay.

This means I sprinkle little welcoming touches in their rooms. Guest slippers and bathrobes. Spare toiletries. Beverage stations in their rooms. You get the idea.

Sometimes, being a polite host means biting one’s tongue when people make social faux pas… and if you, my guest, are acting like a twat, it does not go unnoticed, despite my placid face.

You didn’t notice that I changed the subject when you crossed the line? It’s called Taking The High Road. I’m sorry to say that, like Santa Claus, all behaviour — good or bad — goes on the slate.

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Here are a few guidelines for you, if you have been invited as an overnight guest somewhere, over the holidays:

Personally, I think it’s rude to leave the bed slept-in but unmade. Which is why I think one should strip the bed before leaving. Or make the bed. Or at least offer to strip it.

Leave things where you found them. Nothing more annoying than a lost remote control.

Let your host know if you use something up. I always check the TP situation, but one never knows if a guest had a toilet emergency, and use it all up. Same with the last drop of milk. The last teabag. Don’t assume your host is a mind-reader.

Put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, or next to the kitchen sink. Do not leave dirty dishes under the bed. One’s home is not a bloody hotel. 

Which leads me to the next section.

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Last but not least, here are some pointers for hotel etiquette. 

Have you noticed how some people seem to have forgotten how to be considerate of others? How general conduct seems to have gone down the toilet? Surely people cannot have forgotten the basics we all learned in grade school?!

Be mindful of your noise levels, especially when walking down hotel corridors. Being rowdy at 11pm on a Saturday night might not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to others. 

Supervise your children in communal areas.

Practice basic cordiality toward other guests and hotel staff. I never say never, but I would NEVER EVER snap my fingers to get the attention of serving staff.

Avoid leaving a huge mess: put your garbage in the garbage cans provided. Pile your used towels in the bathtub.

Don’t forget to leave appropriate tips.

Don’t take things like bathrobes, towels, or furnishings. (Who DOES that?!)

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On a final note, I realise that only dinosaurs send thank you cards, these days. So, if you can’t spare the time or the stamp for a thank you note, at least send a text or email expressing your gratitude to your host.

And that is all I have to say about THAT!

Lots of love,

M xo

Comprehensive list of the English Maximalista’s Pet Peeves of Shoddy Guest Behaviour:

1. Use the coasters provided. Probably my biggest Pet Peeve of all. I have literally seen people MOVE a coaster, then set their drink (sweating with beads of condensation…) on the surface the coaster was protecting. Or worse yet – quelle horreur – set their drink on top of a [gasp!] book! 
   • Granted, this is not just guests… Mr Maximalista does it, as well. Grrrr.
2. If you’re at movie night and get offered a blanket, fold it before you leave. Don’t leave it on the floor by the couch, you heathen.
3. When visiting homes with animals, don’t be surprised if your clothes get dog hair or cat fur on them. Also, don’t be a jerk about requesting a lint roller the second you get off the couch. 
   • English Maximalista Top Tip: I always keep a lint roller in my car because I like to keep myself tidy, but this habit also helps to avoid potentially offending my pet-loving hosts.