The English Maximalista

Success! You fell for the clickbait!! But before I reward your curiosity by telling you the scorpion story, please allow me to preface things first…

*****

It all started when my daughter was little.

Instead of stuffing her diaper bag with bulky items that I would have to be hefting around with me on my petite and delicate English shoulders, I would keep a “just in case” bag of stuff in the car boot. 

Over the course of time, this bag got bigger and fuller, filled with items for just in case the car broke down, or just in case we skidded into a ditch at night in the middle of winter.

Thank goodness, NONE of these things ever happened, but who knows?! At least I was prepared. 

*****

One of the most effective ways I cope with my anxiety is to control the fears that keep me awake at night, when I start worrying about those random What If… things that might happen.

I find that preparing for the zombie apocalypse helps me to worry less about it.

And this is why, at any given moment, if you look in my car boot you will find a ziplock bag filled with rice. Because, What If… I drop my phone in the lake? Best have a bag of rice on hand, just in case!

Judge if you must. But arming myself for these eventualities is what helps me to sleep at night.

*****

Before you start inundating me with comments of concern, please be assured that of course my emergency provisions in the boot of Lady Penelope naturally include the requisite jumper cables, blankets, spare tyre, first aid kit, bog roll: aka standard car emergency accoutrements.

Anyhoo, up until a couple of months ago, I kept an actual emergency bag in the trunk of my car. It got to the point that the bag was taking up far too much room back there, so I decided to go through it, and with that in mind, I set it on the floor in our garage. 

The contents of this now-massive piece of baggage had gotten out of control; the sides were splitting, stuff was forever spilling out, and I remedied that by shoving it back where it came from. I had been putting off straightening it out for a Very Long Time.

Indeed, I had forgotten what the majority of the contents were! Most of it would and could probably be thrown away, but I kept putting it off because I knew this chore was going to be a hassle.

Dear reader, I swear I had every intention of immediately sorting through the bag — which has since been thrown out, btw, the items consolidated in the spare tire compartment — and I did not mean to leave it sitting on the garage floor for weeks on end.

Which brings us to how a live 2” scorpion got brought into the house…

Oops.

*****

“What happened, oh gentle English Maximalista?” I hear you cry. Well, here follows this faithful narrative.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a certain female individual of English heritage — who shall remain unnamed — left her car emergency bag on the floor of her garage for a prolonged period of time.

After some insistence, sometimes known as nagging, from her husband, the stunningly beautiful heroine of this story eventually got around to having a sort out and putting everything away.

Long-forgotten-about inside this bag was a large velour pouch containing a dozen street maps, leftover from those bygone days when one didn’t have GPS or mobile phones. Lots of vehicles kept paper maps, for Just In Case they got lost in Chicago, or wherever.

Thus, it was this pouch of maps that the anonymous person of English heritage innocently brought into the house, setting it aside in her family room, for her husband to take a look at.

Behold! Nestled inside one of these old maps was the aforementioned live scorpion!

When the husband, who is a self-avowed cartophile, opened up the trove of old maps, he got quite a prickly surprise.

Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this incident, although there was much alarm and/or screaming (from the wife, not the husband) at the surprising discovery of the stowaway arachnid. Which in short order was bunged over the back garden fence by the heroic and handsome husband.

The moral of the story? If you live in an arid, mountainous region, famously the domicile of arachnids and rattle snakes, DO NOT leave things sitting on the garage floor for prolonged periods of time and then foolishly bring them into your house.

The End.

This fable was approved by the English Maximalista.

*****

By now, I’m sure my regular readers have noticed that I have a penchant for making lists. Nowadays, the hip young people on the interwebs call them Listicles. This author is, frankly, neither young [haven’t been for a long time] nor hip [never in my life], so in this state of unhip decrepitude, I dub them MaximaLISTICLES.

Cute, right?

Here follows a brief MaximaLISTICLE of the contents of the emergency supplies in Lady Penelope’s trunk:

• Roll of toilet paper, plastic bags for waste, hand trowel to bury waste (that will be Mr Maximalista’s job, in the event thereof)
• Candles, lighter, matches. Not entirely sure why these are crucial, but Bear Gryllis recommends them, so…
• First Aid kit, including snakebite kit, because I’m not confident in my efficacy at sucking venom from a bite, having never done it before. Ergo, best have a back-up. Also let’s be clear: I’m not too keen on peeing-on anyone — or being peed-upon — in the event of a venom emergency
• Change of clothing, warm hooded jacket, hi-viz vest, hat and gloves
• Several wool blankets and a down Pratesi pillow. Yes, Pratesi. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me. Listen, if I am unfortunate enough to find myself sleeping in my car, I prefer to snuggle with my creature comforts, ‘k?
• Miniature tool kit, bungee straps, jumper cables, spare tire & puncture repair kit
• Eating utensils, cloth napkins (hello? Consider the source…), granola bars; aforementioned bag of rice for if phone gets wet
• Air horn since flare gun not sensible option, considering we live in a highly flammable region prone to wildfires; air horn also effective bear / coyote / mountain lion deterrent

I’m sure I’m forgetting to mention something, so please let me know if you notice any glaring omissions. My anxiety will be forever thankful.

Lots of love,

M xo

PS, the anonymous female protagonist of English heritage mentioned the roman à clef above was actually me.